You’re imperfect… but you are worthy of love and belonging!
One of the main reasons I started Wholesome Children Books was to nurture my children's authenticity and to share messages of authenticity and self-love with other parents and children. As a mother, I aim to guide my children in finding their place in the world and embracing themselves fully. My goal is to fill their love tank so they feel secure and don’t feel pressured to change themselves to fit in. I want them to know they don't have to sacrifice their authenticity to belong.
My introduction to the concept of authenticity versus belonging or attachment came through a talk by Dr. Gabor Maté. If you haven't checked out his work, you can find many videos like this video on Youtube. Some of his books may also be of interest to you, such as The Myth of Normal and Hold On to Your Kids (co-authored with Dr. Gordon Neufeld).
Dr. Maté explains that as children, we have two competing needs: attachment (the need to belong and to be cared for by our parents or our primary caregivers) and authenticity (being true to ourselves). Often, these needs clash; for example, if we feel there are parts of us that our parents may not find acceptable. For example, we may repress our anger or other feelings that we are told are unacceptable. The clash between authenticity and attachment leads us to suppress parts of ourselves to be accepted and fit in, as this is crucial for our survival of young children. Dr. Maté warns that sacrificing our authenticity can lead to various issues, including mental health issues, substance use, and even physical health problems.
Reflecting on the loss of a dear friend to mental health and substance use issues, I pondered how, if at all, his struggle with authenticity versus belonging, compounded by his identity as a Latino gay man, shaped his journey. I also wondered how I could support my daughter, then my only child, to embrace all of herself without feeling the need to change herself to be accepted and to feel she belongs.
Dr. Maté isn't the only one who talks about authenticity. Dr. Brené Brown is another favorite of mine. If you haven't heard her speak, I recommend her famous TED talk. Dr. Brown asserts that our job as parents is to say to our children, “you’re imperfect… but you are worthy of love and belonging” so that they feel worthy of love and belonging, as it is this sense of worth that actually leads to happiness, love, and connection.
The third book in the Wholesome Children: Self-Awareness series stems from these reflections. “The Puzzle Piece” encourages children to see themselves as unique pieces in the puzzle of the world, each with a space that is just right for them, just as they are. The book is dedicated to my children, Teo and Olivia, with the same words I tell them every night: “I love you so much, unconditionally, just as you are, forever.”
